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(Classified) Bill Defends Against Flesh-Eating (Classified) (Classified) Bill Defends Against Flesh-Eating (Classified)
Posted by: TheOnion

Video duration: 106 seconds

Rep. John Haller (R-PA) introduces a bill that will allocate (classified) dollars over the next (classified) years to fight flesh-eating (classified).
More coverage at: http://www.onion.com
The Onion: Supreme Court: Death Penalty Is \ The Onion: Supreme Court: Death Penalty Is 'Totally Badass'
Posted by: TheOnion

Video duration: 182 seconds

Despite arguments against capital punishment, the Justices overwhelmingly approved its use, especially if they get to participate in some executions.
The Onion: 12-Year-Old Boy Scouts Offer To Give Breast Exams The Onion: 12-Year-Old Boy Scouts Offer To Give Breast Exams
Posted by: TheOnion

Video duration: 178 seconds

Two prospective Eagle Scouts explain how they are preventing breast cancer by helping women examine their breasts.
The Onion: Disney Geneticists Debut New Child Stars The Onion: Disney Geneticists Debut New Child Stars
Posted by: TheOnion

Video duration: 161 seconds

Disney claims its latest batch of child stars is so lifelike, youll barely be able to tell they have no souls.
The Onion: Pretend You Give A Shit About The Election The Onion: Pretend You Give A Shit About The Election
Posted by: TheOnion

Video duration: 180 seconds

Our morning show's political correspondent offers tips on how you can seem informed about politics without picking up a single newspaper.
The Onion: Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 08 Election The Onion: Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 08 Election
Posted by: TheOnion

Video duration: 164 seconds

Embarrassed Diebold officials apologized after one of their electronic voting machines prematurely revealed the winner of our upcoming sham election.
More coverage at: http://onion.com
YouTube Contest Challenges Users To Make A \ YouTube Contest Challenges Users To Make A 'Good' Video
Posted by: TheOnion

Video duration: 152 seconds

YouTube is offering a cash prize to the first user to upload a video with a shred of originality or artistic merit.
Attractive Girls Union Refuses To Talk With Mike Greenman Attractive Girls Union Refuses To Talk With Mike Greenman
Posted by: TheOnion

Video duration: 225 seconds

At a press conference today, the AGU announced it will not even acknowledge Mike Greenman until he begins dressing better and loses some weight.
Voting Machines Elect One Of Their Own As President Voting Machines Elect One Of Their Own As President
Posted by: TheOnion

Video duration: 195 seconds

Voting machine DRE700 came out of nowhere to defeat Barack Obama and John McCain and become the first machine president.